Thoughts: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2

From the producers who brought us “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” last year, here comes the film of your entire lifetime. Brace yourself for a half hour of Megan Fox’s cleavage, followed by the voice of BoJack Horseman and his really goofy human face, only to end on a full ninety minutes of green CGI sewer tugs. Oh, and they’re also teenagers. And ninjas, who for some reason sound stereotypically black even though they’re played by an all-white crew. Heck yeah, twelve-pound tickets!

Let’s start this analysis on the cat with the hat – Michael Bay. Although he plummeted into an A-list career with a strong curriculum vitae, partaking in projects such as “Armageddon” (1998), “Pearl Harbour” (2001) & “Bad Boys” (1995), that friction has long been lost. Come 2007 and the reign of “Transformers” began, making the director a commercial joke in the eyes of fans. Now, a master of sequels and notoriously bombing productions, this film obviously felt like the logical step forward.

Crunching numbers, I can tell you to the best of my ability – “Out of the Shadows” will make money. There is no doubt in my mind its budget will break even on the first weekend of release. TMNT grossed a total of $493m. worldwide over an allowance of $192m in its entire run, tripling the Paramount prognoses. However, having said that, it also received a measly 21% approval rating on RottenTomatoes and a 5.9/10 on IMDB. Now, what does this tell us? Audiences watch it, having learned their lesson from “Transformers” and all of its sequels, but why?

Because bad, conventional blockbusting movies create conversation. Group behaviour tells us to watch it, because otherwise we’d be excluded from the jokes and all residual mocking conversations. We want to stay current without fear of exclusion. I skimmed through a WebMD article on the topic, so the facts check out.

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This is exactly what TMNT 2 is counting on. Director Dave Green has one feature film under his belt, which gathered an even lower user score of 4.7 on Metacritic (“Earth to Echo”, 2014). Watching the trailer, nothing strikes me as particularly grabbing or exciting. It features a slow motion escape, just like the first one, awkward romance jokes, just like the first one, and a soundtrack of Will Arnett’s screams… Just like the first one.

Congratulations on making the exact same film with the exact same cast. Now feast on the millions of fanboy boners who will pay extra money to see this questionable creation blown up eight storeys high. This time starring Jessica’s body, William Fichtner’s forehead, Stephen Amell’s down-falling career and Tyler-Fucking-Perry. Featuring those four black turtle, sewer, painter thugs, who are also teenagers, ninjas and white actors.

P.S. This article may contain sarcasm, bad humour and a very biased opinion. I restrain from being objective, it’s really just not as fun. Enjoy!

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